Irish jokes

[turbinedoctor]

> > HERE COME THE IRISH JOKES! CAN SAINT PATRICK'S DAY
> > BE FAR BEHIND???!!!
> >
> >
> > Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because
> > he had an important
> > meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking
> > up to heaven he
> > said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a
> > parking place I will go
> > to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and
> > give up me Irish
> > Whiskey!"
> >
> > Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
> >
> > Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found
> > one."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says
> > to the first man he
> > meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
> >
> > The man said, "I do, Father."
> >
> > The priest said, "Then stand over there against the
> > wall."
> >
> > Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want
> > to go to heaven?"
> >
> > "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
> >
> > "Then stand over there against the wall," said the
> > priest.
> >
> > Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said,
> > "Do you want to go to
> > heaven?"
> >
> > O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
> >
> > The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean
> > to tell me that when
> > you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
> >
> > O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you
> > were getting a group
> > together to go right now."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was
> > dumbfounded to read in
> > the obituary column that he had died. He quickly
> > phoned his best
> > friend, Finney.
> >
> > "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say
> > I died!!"
> >
> > "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye
> > callin' from?"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets
> > stopped for
> > speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells
> > alcohol on the
> > priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle
> > on the floor of the
> > car.
> >
> > He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
> >
> > "Just water," says the priest.
> >
> > The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
> >
> > The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord!
> > He's done it
> > again!"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Here is My personal favorite:)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the
> > bartender, "Pour me a
> > stiff one - just had another fight with the little
> > woman."
> >
> > "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
> >
> > "When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on
> > her hands and
> > knees.
> >
> > "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What
> > did she say?"
> >
> > She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little
> > chicken."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Flynn staggered home very late after another evening
> > with his drinking
> > buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid
> > waking his wife, Mary.
> >
> > He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs
> > leading to their
> > upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
> > As he caught himself
> > by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and
> > he landed heavily on
> > his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
> > broke and made the
> > landing especially painful.
> >
> > Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down
> > his pants, and looked
> > in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were
> > cut and bleeding.
> > He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids
> > and began putting a
> > Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw
> > blood.
> >
> > He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and
> > shuffled and stumbled
> > his way to bed.
> >
> > In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in
> > both his head and
> > butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
> >
> > She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't
> > you?"
> >
> > Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
> >
> > "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door,
> > it could be the
> > broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could
> > be the drops of blood
> > trailing through the house, it could be your
> > bloodshot eyes, but
> > mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the
> > hall mirror.