Some Good One-Liners

[reelapeelin]

These are pretty good.................................

>
>
> Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
> >
> - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
>
>
> <><>
>
>
>
> I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
>
>
> - Eleanor Roosevelt
>
>
>
> <><>
>
> Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
>
> - Mark Twain
>
> <><>
>
> The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
>
> - George Burns
>
> <><>
>
> Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
>
> - Victor Borge
>
> <><>
>
> Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
>
> - Mark Twain
>
> <><>
>
>
> By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
>
> - Socrates
>
> <><>
>
>
>
> I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
>
> - Groucho Marx
>
> <><>
>
>
>
> My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
>
> - Jimmy Durante
>
> <><>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
>
> - Zsa Zsa Gabor
>
> <><>
>
>
>
> Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
>
> - Alex Levine
>
> <><>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
>
> - Rodney Dangerfield
>
> <><>
>
>
>
> Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
>
> - Spike Milligan
>
> <><>
>
>
> Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
>
> - Joe Namath
>
> <><>
>
>
>
> I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
>
> - Bob Hope
>
> <><>
>
>
>
> I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
>
> - W. C. Fields
>
> <><>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
>
> - Will Rogers
>
> <><>
>
> Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
>
> - Winston Churchill
>
> <><>
>
>
>
> Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
>
> - Phyllis Diller
>
> <><>
>
>
> By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
>
> - Billy Crystal
>
> <><>
>
>
>
> And the cardiologist's diet:
>
> - If it tastes good spit it out.