Chili Anyone?

[C YENSEN]

CHILI COOK OFF

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili

Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL



Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili

cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I

happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions

to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the

other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that

spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the

tasting, so I accepted.'



Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

************************************************** ***


CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

! Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?

You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to

put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.







************************************************** ***



CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...







Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who

wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer

when they saw the look on my face.





************************************************** ***







CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI....



Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get

me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my

backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of

the beer.





************************************************** ***







CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...



Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.

Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish

or other mild foods not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable

to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid,

was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting

to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an

aphrodisiac?





************************************************** ***







CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...



Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,

adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.

Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and

I can no longer focus my eyes.. I farted and four people behind me

needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that

her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding

by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning

my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to

stop screaming.





************************************************** ***







CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...



Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and

garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it

will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me

except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rearend

with a snow cone.





************************************************** ***







CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...



Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried

about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds

like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which

slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen

anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in

my stomach.





************************************************** ***







CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...



Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too

bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,

passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.

Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have

reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

[THEFERMANATOR]

ROTFLMAO!!!

I made it to #5 before I burst out in tears laughing, that was funny.

[nipper]

That has got to be one of the funniest things I have read in a long time.

[drbabe]

I think I laughed so hard that I was afflicted with some of the ailments Judge 3 suffered. THank YOU!

[Hammerhead]

"I need to wipe my rearend with a snow cone."

BTDT.

[willy]

that was fantastic, loved it, had me in tears

[THEFERMANATOR]

I feel this one deserves another go for those who may not have read it yet.

[Blue_Runner]

I must have missed that one before....too funny! Love the snowcone statement!

[nipper]

I particular liked when Judge #2 stated his concern for Judge #3 who appeared to be in distress and cursing uncontrollably!