Rectum Stretcher
 

The Rectum Stretcher
>>> > > While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over
>>> > > a
>>> > > bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying
>>> > > in
>>> > wait.
>>> > > The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic
>>> > > patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked "what's your hurry?"
>>> > > To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
>>> > > "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
>>> > > "I'm a rectum stretcher"
>>> > > "The cop stammered, " A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does
>>> > > a
>>> > > rectum stretcher do?"
>>> > > "Well", she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way
>>> > > up
>>> > > to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.
>>> > > I work from side to side until I can g et both hands in, and then
>>> > > slowly
>>> > > but surely stretch it until it's about 6 feet wide."
>>> > > "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?" he asked.
>>> > > "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
>>> > >
>>> > > Traffic Ticket $95.00
>>> > > Court Costs: $45.00
>>> > > Look on the Cop's Face........... Priceless


Thought all the guys in BLUE (and one just out) would get a kick!!
>>> > >
>>> > >
;D

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Where you getting all these old jokes, been around since before Sister Gilda tucked them in her belt.
Oh thats right, you been around that long too, sorry forgot who I was addressing for a moment ;D

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Hey you ol' PHART I just might call you inna little while and tell ya just what I REELY think ;D ;D ;D ...

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Shame you ain't up this way, just getting ready to sit down and eat a couple of bowls of Papa Schultz's world famous venison chili.
We could of popped a few brews and crack open a bottle of Jack and sat around the fire and farted all night ;D

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Are farts flamable?

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Mine aren't, they don't stink either ;D

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Boy am I GLAD to hear THAT!!... ::) ...

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

I swear this happened...class-mate in hi-school (I didn't know him, but knew who he was) had his mom take him to Emergency Room after lighting PHARTS and causing severe burns about his a$$!!... :o ... ;D ;D ;D ...

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

RECTUM HELL, KILLED EM BOTH.

I saw a guy light a fart one time, didn't burn long but did burn. *I think the key to not burning your butt is to leave you pants on when you light it.

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Or at the very least your tighty whities!

One of my friends in high school (still a good friend) used to do that. He'd yell across the room, "somebody get me a lighter - and somebody get the lights!"

We'd quickly meet his demands and sit back for the fireworks! I swear he shot flames outta his tail 3 feet long once! Lit up the whole room! LMAO!

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

REEL
LMAO ITS A OLD ONE BUT A CLASSIC, I'M SURE IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE OUR FORUM POLICE BROTHERS GOT A TICKET AND HAVE PROBABLY FORGOT WHAT IT FEELS LIKE WHEN YOU KNOW U DID WRONG BUT ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS HOW THAT TICKET IS GOING TO COST WHEN YOUR INSURANCE GOES UP.

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Anybody wants to see result of guy tryin' to shoot a bottle-rocket outta his a$$ can PM your E-Mail to me...please leave screen name and E-Mail...hope I don't get SWAMPED...this is a RIOT ;D ...

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Garagenc, I know the cost, while it's true I have not gotten a ticket for over thirty years it's also true that in my day of being on the street in a patrol car I averaged about 6-8 tickets a month. Refused to write more and it cost me plenty of walking posts during those years. Those that I did issue I garuantee you, you would have issued them too. Royal Arseholes of the world of driving. The kind you look around when your driving and wish a cop was sitting there. You all know the type.
Over the past ten years, at least in NJ the towns and states have figured how to bring in a lot of extra money, for example not having your vehicle inspected on time in NJ will cost you at least 200 bucks when your done.
You don't even want to know about any more serious moving offenses. Its criminal, I tell you and me and many others in the profession just wont issue to the decent people out there. But there are many more of the young guns who would issue to their moms if they could and could care less about the people we are sworn to protect. These young guys are the ones that are running around like they are on a SWAT mission and about to breach a wall and take out Osama. They are TV and computer raised generation and it is scary.
One of the many reasons I am getting out now is these types, every department has them including mine.

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Lighting farts proved on un-airable Mythbusters:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqFRBHPIE-w

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Man, I feel terrible, sometimes I do 25 a day.

But I will give a break to deserving folks. If you are going under 90 I will reduce to 80 so they dont lose their DL's.

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Holy cow!! if he worked that hard and got that kind of flame, I could power a hole city!!! Just ask CB!! http://syncboard.com/albums/album02/fart.gif

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Randleman, no offense meant to you, some guys jobs are traffic enforcement specifically. And if that is your main reason for being you will be expected to produce or walk.
But if your job is general patrol officer and you issue those kind of numbers to the people we need to talk brother. Unless NC is a very inexpensive fine state and they don't hammer the working joes with increases in MV insurance for every violation like they do here in the peoples republic of NJ that lasts for three years after your violation.. Plus surcharges to the state for the same violation, again for three years.
It has turned into a money making, people screwing way of life. It is truly a shame here.

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Ma is $50 for speeding up to 10 miles over the limit, and then $10 added for every mile an hour you over the that. so if you do 60 in a 40 your ticket is $150 and 5 years on your insurance!! :'(

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Willy, When I was a cop in PA., we didnt have to much time to write traffic tickets. Sometimes between bar fights and drug complaints. We were never told we had to write tickets, they new it would be considered a quota system.
Now in Delaware, life as a cop is a differnt story. You are expected to write a certain amount of traffic arrest per hour and at least have two D.U.I. arrest per month.
They call it an "officers monthly evaluation" I still call it a damm quota system. When I was in Fenwick Island, I was expected to write at least 100 tickets per months.
Its a money game for small towns who have radar. Thats why you dont see local police departments in Pa. having radar, they seen Delaware and know its a money maker. But then again, if your dept. writes alot of tickets, its easier to get some Federal Funding grants as well. I have no problem writing a ticket. But I have a problem when I'm told to write a ticket if you know what I mean. Officer descretion all the way I think. ;)
I must have a negative attitude. ;D But I made it this far for so long. ;D

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

No offence taken Willy.

We have 20 traffic cops, half are on local streets, half are on the highway.

I work the highway, we have I-40, I-85, Bus 85, US 220, US 421, US 70, US 29. About 80 miles worth total.

If I can lower someones speed to 9 over I do it, that way it's no insurance and they dont have to pay a lawyer to get their ticket reduced to 9 over. But if you are running 20 over, you get 15 over, that keeps your license. Plus in NC the insurance cant go up for one violation, but goes up double on the second.

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

You got that right! :o I heard National Grid uses MJ's house as a Cape Cod substation powerhouse to light the Northeast Corridor. New York to Ontario :o ::) :P

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Willy & Randle
Man I understand, I haven't had a ticket in over 10yrs. We got the call last Saturday to go up to Suffolk va because my wife's dad was going and they were calling the family in so we left because were told he had about 4 hrs left (it takes us 55 minutes to get there from home) so we didn't speed. Well they called us about 1/2 way there and said he was failing fast so I was speeding 68 in a 55 on a 4 lane road not swerving in and out of traffic, we'll one of Chesapeake's finest turned around and came back, I tried to explain why I was speeding but he didn't care he said the pope could be dying and it still didn't give me the right to speed. Well I wonder how he is going to feel when it happens to him. I wonder why it's ok for them to speed to get to the dept to clock out but not ok for everyone else. Chesp is notorious for that. *
Also randle: here in my neck of the woods the prosecutor won't let them write a ticket if youre going 9 or less above the speed limit. * * * *

By the way he died 5 minutes before we got there. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Deserving folks doin' 90 :o...only thing they deserve is the whole book tossed at 'em... >:( ...

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

YES! I have seen it proven, by my father...NOT a pretty site! :o

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Sorry for the loss in your family, I would have let you go......actually I wouldnt have stopped you for 13 over.

I dont stop for 9 over, I reduce to 9 over. I stop for 15 over or sometimes 20 over if they are all flying.

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

OK, from a non-cop perspective. Why is it anybody with a CDL gets harassed? Maybe harassed isn't the right word. I have a class A CDL, and when I have had the pleasant opportunity to be pulled for speeding, I am given ZERO slack. I have even gotten a ticket for speeding, when I know for a fact I was not, but the car behind me was gaining fast. I got the ticket because I was driving a yellow Mustang AND had a CDL. They even checked to be sure I had contact lenses on. That NEVER happened before the CDL.

OK, I'm better now, I'll crawl down off of my soapbox. I do respect the job our peace officers do, God bless them all.

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Frayed, used to have a CDL and experienced just the opposite...must been the YELLOW got him all stirred up ;) ...maybe reminded him of his days as cab-driver ;D ;D ;D ...

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Yeah, they say red is a cop catcher, I disagree. Most of the cops I have met are super cool, and one even remarked at how nice a car it was as he was giving me the ticket (the one I did deserve). I had to trade it in for a truck when I got the V.

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

A few weeks back I was helping a freind move from TX to AL and while driving the big rental truck we were stopped for speeding in Texas. He let us go with a warning that 69mph in a 65mph zone was too fast :-/. I guess they are really picky about their speed limits in TX.... I guess it could've been worse... By the way, the only reason we got stopped for doing 69mph is because the #$% rental truck wouldn't go any faster ::)

Just thought I'd share my law-shattering ways so you all would know what kinda rebel-without-a-clue you are deal'n with ;D

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

They were looking for dope.

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

In NC we have special Troopers just to keep you WILD A$$ truckers in line.

I actually am more apt to give a guy a break who makes his living w/ his license.

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

At leat twice a day I see a car comming and say "HOLY CRAP, that one is flying", then as I watch it more, I see that its just a red vehicle. It may be going 10 over but it looks 20 over at first glance. Red adds 10 mph to the first percieved speed, I swear.

Luckily I am a highly trained professional and recognize such.

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

When BMW Z3 1st came out. my sister said she gonna get one...I told her to get the 6 cyl (not 4) and DO NOT GET RED...she got the 6 and the red...followed by 3 Blue-Light Specials inna row :o ... now she's got a silver/gray one... :D ...

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Actually, let me rephrase that, a yellow Mustang looks like it is going 55 sitting still, at least mine did. Besides that, it is a bright color that yells "Hey, look at me!" I gotta be the center of attention ;D

Re: Rectum Stretcher
 

Yeah , I know, I live here ;) But, I ain't a trucker no more.