Let me tell ya...
 

An elderly man appears in a ***elery store with a 26 year old bombshell on his arm. The old man says to the ***eler: "I'd like to get this young lady something special." The ***eler takes out several trays of bracelets and rings. They are all gorgeous and have large stones. "These are all between seven and fifteen thousand dollars," he says. The young lady's breathing noticeably deepens. Says the old man: "I'd like to be more clear: I'd like to get this young woman something VERY special." The ***eler takes away the trays and brings out a tray filled with rings encrusted with large diamonds and emeralds and rubies. "These are all forty-thousand dollars and up," he says. The young woman is just plain panting now. They choose a ring: white gold and platinum, massive rock and encircling emeralds. The ***eler gives the couple a number: fifty-six thousand. The old man says "It's Friday. I'll give you a check. You deposit it, and I'll come back on Monday for the ring." The ***eler says "Fine: I'll have it shined and polished, ready to go." The next Monday the man returns to the ***elry store. The ***eler says "I'm sorry to tell you: your check wouldn't clear." The old man says "Yeah, I know. But let me tell you about my weekend..."

*** J*E*W? REally that is censored?

Yes at one time we had someone that was using the word badly so i censored it.
Got to do what you got to do!

What bis in the box??


A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the
store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of
dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog.
" So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled out. She said to the little old lady,

"That smells like ****."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

oldies
 

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start Anything."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

:hi:

Momma mole, poppa mole and baby mole were in there hole and Momma mole pops her head out of the hole and says I smell pancakes and syrup. poppa mole squeezes his head up through the hole and says I smell pancakes and syrup too..... baby mole tries to poke his head up through the hole with no avail and says all I smell is mole asses.:clap:

Exzackery disease

A woman goes to a Chinese sex doctor and tells him, "Doc, I can't get laid to save my life"

Doc says, "Hoh, I unnastan probrem. Rill you prease drop pants and turn round."

"What?!?!?!" the lady exclaims......

Doc says," Prease drop pants, I am doctor"

So the lady drops her pants and turns around......

Doc says," Hoh, I see probrem. You hab Exzackery disease...."

the lady replies," Exzackery disease?!?!, What the hell is that?!?!?!"

Doc replies, "Your azz rooks exzackery rike your face!!!!"

my 2 favorite 1 liners:

if the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

......the swallow


what do a walrus and tupperware have in common?

....... they both like a tight seal

Lost at trivia last nigh....
 

I lost trivia last night by one point. The last question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?"



Apparently the correct answer is, Fiji.