Joke of the day?

[Road King Cole]

Wouldn't it be better to just have one thread to keep all the jokes going?

I'll start:

my girlfriend called me the other day and accused me of being a pedophile.

I told her, that's a pretty big word for an 8 year old

rkc

[RidgeRunner]

Sex between three people is a "Threesome"

Sex between two people is a "Twosome"


They call me "HANDSOME!"

[Road King Cole]

What is seven inches long and did not get used on Valentines day?





Whitney Houston's crack pipe!

[Stinky_Hooker]

Is this statuetory rape or a moosdemeanor?






http://i.imgur.com/Xkmqs.jpg

[RidgeRunner]

An old acquaintance and I were talking the other day.

We started talking about family, he said he had three boys.

I said I have one girl.

He said he felt sorry for me.

What?

I feel sorry for you because I know what my teenage boys are thinking about 24/7.

Yeah, I remember being that age.

He said his boys were easier because all he had to worry about was three peckers at a time. Having a girl meant that I had to worry about all peckers...all of the time.. :bat:

NICE...

[Destroyer]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith , her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment? '
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

[reh76]

A husband and wife were watching a documentary about an African tribe that tied rocks to their 'junk" and stretched them to lengths up to 15-16 inches. Later the wife asked the husband if he would give it a try and he agreed. A few days pass and the wife inquires.

W - hows it going?
H - good, I'm half way there.
W - wow! your at 8 inches?
H - no, but it's turned black.

[Destroyer]

Subject: Investment tips for 2012


For those of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2012:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

[reelapeelin]

In an otherwise quiet classroom, suddenly Johnnie says, Hotta Mitey!! Teacher says, Be quiet, Johnnie...Later and a little louder, once again, Johnnie says Hotta Mitey!!...One more outburst and you'll go to the principal...In a few minutes Johnnie this time shouts, Hotta Mitey!!...Teacher jerks him up, hauls him to the office and tells him to explain himself to the principal...
Well walkin' to school this morning I saw two rabbits doin' it, then saw two pigs doin' it, then two ponies doin' it...so in class I got to thinkin' if I had a wanger like that pony, nuts like that hog and could GO like that bunny...and the TEACHER jumps up and shouts HOTTA MITEY!!...

[randlemanboater]

Subject: Investment tips for 2012


For those of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2012:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

You forgot the BIG one.

Dolly Parton investing in two grocery store chains, Piggly Wiggly and Harris Teeter.

The new company...Wiggly Teeters.

[drbabe]

An elderly man appears in a ***elery store with a 26 year old bombshell on his arm. The old man says to the ***eler: "I'd like to get this young lady something special." The ***eler takes out several trays of bracelets and rings. They are all gorgeous and have large stones. "These are all between seven and fifteen thousand dollars," he says. The young lady's breathing noticeably deepens. Says the old man: "I'd like to be more clear: I'd like to get this young woman something VERY special." The ***eler takes away the trays and brings out a tray filled with rings encrusted with large diamonds and emeralds and rubies. "These are all forty-thousand dollars and up," he says. The young woman is just plain panting now. They choose a ring: white gold and platinum, massive rock and encircling emeralds. The ***eler gives the couple a number: fifty-six thousand. The old man says "It's Friday. I'll give you a check. You deposit it, and I'll come back on Monday for the ring." The ***eler says "Fine: I'll have it shined and polished, ready to go." The next Monday the man returns to the ***elry store. The ***eler says "I'm sorry to tell you: your check wouldn't clear." The old man says "Yeah, I know. But let me tell you about my weekend..."

[jasoncooperpcola]

*** J*E*W? REally that is censored?

[macojoe]

Yes at one time we had someone that was using the word badly so i censored it.
Got to do what you got to do!

[macojoe]

What bis in the box??


A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the
store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of
dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog.
" So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled out. She said to the little old lady,

"That smells like ****."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

[Road King Cole]

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start Anything."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

:hi:

[lumberslinger178]

Momma mole, poppa mole and baby mole were in there hole and Momma mole pops her head out of the hole and says I smell pancakes and syrup. poppa mole squeezes his head up through the hole and says I smell pancakes and syrup too..... baby mole tries to poke his head up through the hole with no avail and says all I smell is mole asses.:clap:

[ssiredfish]

Exzackery disease

A woman goes to a Chinese sex doctor and tells him, "Doc, I can't get laid to save my life"

Doc says, "Hoh, I unnastan probrem. Rill you prease drop pants and turn round."

"What?!?!?!" the lady exclaims......

Doc says," Prease drop pants, I am doctor"

So the lady drops her pants and turns around......

Doc says," Hoh, I see probrem. You hab Exzackery disease...."

the lady replies," Exzackery disease?!?!, What the hell is that?!?!?!"

Doc replies, "Your azz rooks exzackery rike your face!!!!"

[ssiredfish]

my 2 favorite 1 liners:

if the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

......the swallow


what do a walrus and tupperware have in common?

....... they both like a tight seal

[Road King Cole]

I lost trivia last night by one point. The last question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair?"



Apparently the correct answer is, Fiji.

[Pipe_Dream]

http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j228/4MyDogs/IMG_2002_zpssdehwqhq.jpg

[bradford]

Good ones, miss Road King's posts.

[Pipe_Dream]

https://forum.ih8mud.com/media/41785531-f6e4-463b-bd79-18a60c6da45a-jpeg.95651/full

[Pipe_Dream]

https://i0.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2021/08/IMG_4672.jpg?resize=493%2C600&ssl=1

[Pipe_Dream]

https://i1.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2021/08/Screen-Shot-2021-08-04-at-10.04.34-AM.png?resize=438%2C600&ssl=1

[Pipe_Dream]

https://i1.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2021/08/219766521_795187511143568_5159649457368009379_n.jp g?w=408&ssl=1

[Pipe_Dream]

https://i2.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2021/08/Screen-Shot-2021-08-04-at-10.19.57-AM.png?resize=600%2C564&ssl=1

[Pipe_Dream]

https://i1.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2021/07/219381399_117628087249143_6119070574098148462_n.jp g?w=526&ssl=1

[Pipe_Dream]

https://i1.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2021/07/Whisky-potqatoes.jpg?w=320&ssl=1

[Pipe_Dream]

https://i1.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2021/07/Screen-Shot-2021-07-22-at-10.15.58-AM.png?resize=498%2C600&ssl=1

[oteps]

good ones

[Blue_Runner]

Some knee slappers, thanks PD!!

[steplift20]

Today I was congratulated, I was talking to a friend of mine and told him I was driving by a school and saved this young girl from getting raped
He said that's great, how old was she?
I said about 12
He said you must be very proud of yourself and what you prevented
I said , yeah it was a close one
He said , how did you do it.
I said,,I changed my mind.

[steplift20]

Saint Peter was standing by the golden arch.he seen two black guys walking towards him
He ran to Jesus and asked Jesus what he should do cause he never had black guys walking towards the arch
Jesus said to Saint Peter, Son accept them with open arms, if they are here then they deserve to be here, Saint Peter thanked Jesus and returned to the golden arches
About ten minutes passed and Saint Peter walked back to Jesus
Jesus said why are you back
Saint Peter said they are gone
Jesus said,,,,The black guys?
Saint Peter said,,no,the gates

[Pipe_Dream]

Some knee slappers, thanks PD!!

Trying to keep it light. Just had to put one of my dogs down and ain't got the will or desire to address any political bullchit.

[steplift20]

Sorry to here that pipe dream , I gave a dog too and my wife loves her ! I dread the day that that happens they become part of the family, you brought happiness and joy to your dog made her/his life great with you and these things are going to happen, stay strong brother .

[Pipe_Dream]

Sorry to here that pipe dream , I gave a dog too and my wife loves her ! I dread the day that that happens they become part of the family, you brought happiness and joy to your dog made her/his life great with you and these things are going to happen, stay strong brother .

Thanks, I'm doing the best that I can. I've lost several dogs (and cats) through the years, but this one is especially tough. It's going to be a long time before I stop mourning him. But I sure appreciate your words!

[Pipe_Dream]

Back to the funnies

https://external-content.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=https%3A%2F%2Fi.pinimg.com%2Foriginals%2Ff4%2F4 8%2F3e%2Ff4483eb42748cca35a225eebd4013517.jpg&f=1&nofb=1

[steplift20]

alert alert there is a deranged grey haired guy going the wrong way on I95 , Joe Biden said they are wrong ,I have seen a hundred already.

[Destroyer]

alert alert there is a deranged grey haired guy going the wrong way on I95 , Joe Biden said they are wrong ,I have seen a hundred already.

:you:

[oteps]

An old guy wanders into an ice cream store. Walks up to the counter and the girl asks" would you like one or two scoops?" The old man says"wait, let me get this note card out. It will tell me if Im able to take your questions."

[steplift20]

Lmao

[oteps]

I dont normally brag about going to expensive places,
but I was at the gas station today.

[Destroyer]

I dont normally brag about going to expensive places,
but I was at the gas station today.

:you:


:clap:

[Pipe_Dream]

https://i2.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2022/03/Screen-Shot-2022-03-02-at-8.30.32-AM.png?resize=768%2C724&ssl=1

[bgreene]

Wouldn't it be better to just have one thread to keep all the jokes going?

I'll start:

my girlfriend called me the other day and accused me of being a pedophile.

I told her, that's a pretty big word for an 8 year old

rkc

Thats not my type of joke but
What kind of fish hates to be alone ?