joke of the day

[THEFERMANATOR]

Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every
night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the
Center to sit, smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his
accomplishments and reflect on his long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden.
They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours had
passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to
Mildred asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old coot, you couldn't get it
up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman
could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his
trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward,
they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they
would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual
meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he
was OK. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found
him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who
was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing Dirty Rat! -----
What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's..."

[THEFERMANATOR]

Subject: Florida Couple



A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's
office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"


The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"


The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.


When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.


The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"


The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

[tsubaki]

;D Oh twice ;D

[macojoe]

Great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;D

[THEFERMANATOR]

Two alligators were relaxing in the swamp talking.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,


"I can't understand how you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, and we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."


"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.


"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."


"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"


"Well, I crawls up into one of them Lexus cars and wait fer one to open the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"


"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment.


See, by the time you get done shakin' the sh*t out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an @sshole and a briefcase!"

[THEFERMANATOR]

Butch the Rooster


John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called
"pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks). The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite! rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the
Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

[THEFERMANATOR]

I have to follow that with another rooster joke.

A farmer raising chickens couldn't get his eggs to hatch. It was determined that the rooster was not getting the job done, so the farmer went to town and got another. As soon as he got home, the rooster went to work and in a short time, and managed to screw all the hens. Within a few days, all the hens were exhausted by the rooster. The farmer told his rooster he had better ease up, or he would screw himself to death. The rooster continued his ways, and within a few days, had all the ducks, geese, hogs, cattle, and every other farm animal exhausted. Again, the farmer warned him that he was going to screw himself to death. The next morning, the farmer went out to find the rooster laying motionless on the ground, buzzards circling overhead. He muttered, I told you to lay off or you would screw yourself to death. The rooster opened one eye, and whispered "quiet, I think they are about to land."

[THEFERMANATOR]

During one of her daily classes a teacher, trying to teach good manners to fifth graders, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee. "The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

I would say: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.

[THEFERMANATOR]

Li'l Johnny is now 12 years old--he goes to the local cat house dragging behind him on a string a huge dead flattened bullfrog.He tells the madam he wants Amber.She says no,Amber has a disease.Johnny says I know,I want Amber,I have money.So,after an hour,Johnny comes out and the madam asks him why you wanted Amber over my ''clean'' girls and what's up with the frog gig.Johnny says like this--Well,my parents are out to dinner,they have a baby-sitter over watching me and my sister.Now,being the cute kid I am,when I get home,the babysitter is going to have her way with me and that disease that I just got from Amber--well now she's going to get it.Then when my Dad and Mom come home,my Dad will drive her home and he'll have sex with her and she'll give my Dad the disease.Now when my parents go to sleep,they'll have sex and my Dad will give my Mom the disease.Then tomorrow, when my Dad goes to work,the milkman will come over and have sex with my Mom and he's the bastard who ran over my frog.