Hurricane Tips For South MS!!!

Hurricane Preparedness
>
>
>
> We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day
>now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to
>some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic
>meteorological points:
>
> (1) There is no need to panic.
> (2) We could all be killed.
>
>
>
> Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Mississippi .
>If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do
>to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."
>Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple
>three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
>
> STEP 1.
>
> Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at
>least three days.
>
> STEP 2.
>
> Put these supplies into your car.
>
> STEP 3.
>
> Drive to Ohio and remain there until Halloween.
>
> Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow
>this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Mississippi
>.
>
>
>
> We'll start with one of the most important hurricane
>preparedness items:
>
>
>
> HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
>
> If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.
>Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your
>home meets two basic requirements:
>
> (1) It is reasonably well-built, and
> (2) It is located in Ohio .
>
> Unfortunately, if your home is located in Mississippi, or any
>other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance
>companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then
>they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why
>they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have
>to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an
>annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At
>any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since
>Hurricane Katrina, I have had an estimated
> 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by
>the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states
>that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on
>demand, to my kidneys.
>
>
>
> SHUTTERS:
>
> Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows,
>all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.
>There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
>
> Plywood shutters:
>
> The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're
>cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they
>will fall off.
>
> Sheet-metal shutters:
>
> The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up.
>The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be
>useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
>
> Roll-down shutters:
>
> The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will
>definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to
>sell your house to pay for them.
>
> Hurricane-proof windows:
>
> These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look
>like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can
>be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Ohio .
>
>
>
> Hurricane Proofing Your Property:
>
> As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects
>like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives,
>etc.. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming
>pool
> (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built
>immediately).
>
> Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into
>deadly missiles.
>
>
>
> EVACUATION ROUTE:
>
> If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation
>route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area,
>look at your driver's license; if it says " Mississippi (ie
>Hancock,Harrison,or Jackson counties)," you live in a low-lying area).
>
> The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being
>trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be
>trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along
>with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not
>be lonely.
>
>
>
> HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
>
> If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not
>buy them now! Mississippi tradition requires that you wait until the
>last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious
>fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
>
> In addition to food and water, you will need the following
>supplies:
>
> 23 flashlights, At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out,
>when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
>
> Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows
>what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
>
> A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
>
> A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be
>useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
>
> A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask
>anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be
>irate alligators.)
>
> $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes,
>you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
>
> Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane
>draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the
>situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in
>rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over
>how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
>
>
>
> Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise in South
>Mississippi

you forgot the .50cal. sniper rifle!

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