Joke of the day?

[Road King Cole]

Wouldn't it be better to just have one thread to keep all the jokes going?

I'll start:

my girlfriend called me the other day and accused me of being a pedophile.

I told her, that's a pretty big word for an 8 year old

rkc

[RidgeRunner]

Sex between three people is a "Threesome"

Sex between two people is a "Twosome"


They call me "HANDSOME!"

[Road King Cole]

What is seven inches long and did not get used on Valentines day?





Whitney Houston's crack pipe!

[Stinky_Hooker]

Is this statuetory rape or a moosdemeanor?

[RidgeRunner]

An old acquaintance and I were talking the other day.

We started talking about family, he said he had three boys.

I said I have one girl.

He said he felt sorry for me.

What?

I feel sorry for you because I know what my teenage boys are thinking about 24/7.

Yeah, I remember being that age.

He said his boys were easier because all he had to worry about was three peckers at a time. Having a girl meant that I had to worry about all peckers...all of the time..

NICE...

[Destroyer]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith , her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment? '
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

[drbabe]

An elderly man appears in a ***elery store with a 26 year old bombshell on his arm. The old man says to the ***eler: "I'd like to get this young lady something special." The ***eler takes out several trays of bracelets and rings. They are all gorgeous and have large stones. "These are all between seven and fifteen thousand dollars," he says. The young lady's breathing noticeably deepens. Says the old man: "I'd like to be more clear: I'd like to get this young woman something VERY special." The ***eler takes away the trays and brings out a tray filled with rings encrusted with large diamonds and emeralds and rubies. "These are all forty-thousand dollars and up," he says. The young woman is just plain panting now. They choose a ring: white gold and platinum, massive rock and encircling emeralds. The ***eler gives the couple a number: fifty-six thousand. The old man says "It's Friday. I'll give you a check. You deposit it, and I'll come back on Monday for the ring." The ***eler says "Fine: I'll have it shined and polished, ready to go." The next Monday the man returns to the ***elry store. The ***eler says "I'm sorry to tell you: your check wouldn't clear." The old man says "Yeah, I know. But let me tell you about my weekend..."

[jasoncooperpcola]

*** J*E*W? REally that is censored?

[macojoe]

Yes at one time we had someone that was using the word badly so i censored it.
Got to do what you got to do!

[macojoe]

What bis in the box??


A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the
store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of
dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog.
" So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled out. She said to the little old lady,

"That smells like ****."
The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."