New Rules

Skools Out · #1 11-20-2005, 01:51 PM

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com <http://classmates.com/>! There's a reason I don't talk to people for 25 years. Because I don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Fillet Mignon? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his *** will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," you're a huge *******.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that ****. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ***. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.>

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

Pipe_Dream · #2 11-21-2005, 10:47 AM

;D ;D ;D
I really like the tatoo one . . .

willy · #3 11-21-2005, 04:50 PM

Excellent Skools, that tattoo one got me ;D

reelapeelin · #4 11-22-2005, 09:15 AM

You got it on the Howard Stern part...only way I'd watch that show is if they announced they were gonna SHOOT him on live TV... ::)...

Skools Out · #5 11-22-2005, 12:24 PM

Hey RAP he always gets the "ladies" undressed on the show that is the best part lol. ;D

Skools Out · #6 11-22-2005, 12:29 PM

by the way i'm changing my age as per to the last New Rule! I'm now 333 Months old LOL. ;D

Pipe_Dream · #7 11-22-2005, 03:36 PM

I think you'd better put quotation marks around "ladies." ::)

Skools Out · #8 11-22-2005, 03:42 PM

How's that Pipe?

#9 11-22-2005, 07:07 PM

333 months hmmmm, does that mean the next time my 21 yr old son gets on my last nerve I can threaten him with an 84th trimester abortion?

reelapeelin · #10 11-22-2005, 07:12 PM

If they're takin' their clothes off for Howard Stern, they might be women, but they aren't ''ladies''...BIG difference...I'd classify 'em as MORONS... ::)...

Watchin' women take it off will ALWAYS be a RUSH...but there's plenty of other places to watch it w/out puttin' up w/Sterno Head... :P...