[reelapeelin]

> > > ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.
> > >
> > > Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was
submitted
> > > by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for
their
> > > anniversary.
> > >
> > > Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
> > > sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I
was
> > > looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I
came
> > > across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects
of
> > > the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse
> > > affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat
to
> > > safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
> > >
> > > Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded
> > > two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
> > > Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed
the
> > > button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd
> > > get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between
the
> > > prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni
what
> > > that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
> > >
> > > Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that
> > > it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,...
> > > right?
> > >
> > > There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
> > > (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking
> >
> > > that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood
moving
> > > target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction
of
> >
> > > a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if
I
> >
> > > was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a
> > > mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised.
Am
> >
> > > I wrong?
> > >
> > > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading
> > > glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions
in
one
> >
> > > hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst
> > > would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
> > > supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control;
a
> > > three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the
> > > ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds
> > > would be wasting the batteries.
> > >
> > > All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about
5"
> > > long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really
and
> > > loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries thinking to
myself,
"no
> >
> > > possible way!"
> > >
> > > What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
> > > best.....
> > >
> > > I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
to
one
> >
> > > side as to say, "don't do it!!!!," reasoning that a one-second
burst
> > > from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad....
I
> > > decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of
it. I
> > > touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY
> > > MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
> > > I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked
me
> > > up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over
> > and
> > > over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
the
> > fetal
> > > position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on
> > fire,
> > > testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body
> > in
> > > the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing
> > over me
> > > making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
> > > undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
> > >
> > > Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
one
> > > note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst
when
you
> >
> > > zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged
> > > from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
three
> > > second burst would be considered conservative.
> > >
> > > SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like heck!!! A minute or so later (I
can't
be
> > > sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my
wits
> > > (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My
bent
> > > reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
they up

> > > get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
> > > twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
and
my
> >
> > > bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles?
I'm
> > > offering a significant reward for their safe return.
> > >
> > > Still in shock,
> > > Tommy
> > >
> >
> >
>