One-liners
 

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
Biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling My
leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume She
was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
Girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going Fine
until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I Should change
dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking
Behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
Reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she Would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not Listening".

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the Worst.
So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes Back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I Lost by
one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have Curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing Commonly
found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct Answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've
been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new Bomber jackets.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his Girlfriend and
her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He Said "Her brother's got a
mustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next Thing I know 4,000 f....g Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I Said to
the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in My room is
disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular People-porn, you sick
bastard.

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help
Towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our Garden hose
only reaches the driveway.

:clap::you::clap::you:...all of 'em!...